Sunday, 20 April 2014

Find the fear...

... and do it anyway!

Ok, so it's been a looooong time since I last posted, but life switched on to fast forward!  The last couple of years have been a learning curve, in more ways than one.  I became quite contemplative during my time at the Olympics, I became more aware how I can easily be taken advantage of and how utterly stuck I felt back in the reality of my life - and sadly with that came the overwhelming darkness that so often engulfs my vulnerability.  Thankfully though, I secured a new role in January 2013 which allowed me to stretch my wings, and although it didn't come without its challenges, it has been worth it.

Fear has been the main theme of the last few years though.  The fear of moving to a new role, the fear of being no good, the fear of letting people down, the fear of people talking behind my back, the fear of meeting new people, the fear of them not liking me.... the list goes on!  And as daft, ridiculous and self centered as these fears may seem - they were, and are all too real. But with the fear, comes a point when it has come and gone - and you're still standing unscathed, and possibly stronger and more confident than before!  It's not that I don't care, but gaining a perspective on who's views I actually want and don't want has become more important than the views themselves.

My degree has added to the 'fear' as well... and a recent field trip further highlighted how illogical my fears can be.  I worried about what to wear, what to pack, how much to pack, what if I packed too much and people laughed, what if I forgot something, could I manage the physical requirements, would I understand the course content... and so on... the list is almost hilarious!  Of course all these things were the least of my worries!  The location was stunning, the people fantastic, the course thoroughly interesting, packing spot on, the food wonderful.... so what went wrong??  No phone signal or wifi.... I know, I know, first world troubles!  I was sat in my room trying to log on and could feel this absurd anxiety bubbling up as my laptop pinged with "no connections found"!!  I lay in bed, exhasted by the adventures of the first day and for the first time I actually spent time thinking - I don't mean that thing you do when you're supposed to be working, or those random silly things that you look up on Google or the decisions about what to wear, eat or drink, whether to opt for a shower or bath.... I mean the real stuff!  I thought about why I panicked when I couldn't access the outside world, I thought about what I wanted in life, I thought about the people I hold most dear - and for the first time, it didn't scare me.  I was really chuffed about how life had turned out, even with all the bad stuff!  Don't get me wrong, the fear is always there, but sod it, I'm gonna face it head on from now on - because I know that on 'tother side is pretty great actually! :)  

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