Saturday, 30 June 2012

Movin' on......

It's a strange term really, as it invariably refers to the motionless act of changing a way of thinking, a change of heart, a time when one part of your life draws to close and another chapter begins.... but you don't physically move anywhere!  My "movin' on" moment came very recently.... my ex came to town.

I cannot find awful, cruel or bitter words to say about him, after all he is responsible for some of the happiest times in my life, but following his recent visit, a relieving sense of calmness overtook me, which I believe is called closure.

You see girls and boys, our relationship had fairytale beginnings.... we had worked together for some time, but my shyness and his fear of me had meant we'd never really spoken.  Then at the Staff Christmas Party our eyes met over a swathe of drunken, sweaty bodies, and we knew, (aha you're seeing the fairytale part, sucking up the Disney of it all?) we knew it was meant to be.  A beautiful romance ensued - well, after someone told me he was in fact 2 years younger than he'd told me, he'd gotten over his crush for the Assistant Restaurant Manager and I'd threaten to break up and of course, I'd recovered from meningitis - yes then the beautiful romance began and all but ended 6 months in.  It was after that, that my past caught up with me, a lifetime of abusive, distrustful male role models had taken their toll and I became obsessive, needy, jealous and generally very ill.  Our relationship turned into an addiction - it was something we needed, rather than wanted - and without him I thought I would die.  The turbulent addiction continued on for 5 long volatile years, until I cracked, booked a 4 month trip to South Africa and decided enough was enough.  He decided that he "couldn't bear to be without me" and so booked flights and a 12 month working visa to New Zealand - yes the obvious choice!? We knew things were done, but never admitted it, we flew away as single people, but didn't admit it to each other.  

His own neediness shone through, and within a month he'd met someone new.  I dabbled, but my trip was about something different, the oh so cliche "finding myself".... and I did, and I liked it.  I found a career that I wanted to pursue, a group of friends who taught me that I wasn't actually half bad on my own, and most of all I found my spotted kitties. 

I returned home to an ice-cold soggy Heathrow with a lighter head but heavy shoulders.  Unconsciously I carried this weight around for a further three and a half years, occasionally meeting up with him during his biannual visits back home.  But *this* time it was different, something clicked.... the handsome, kind-hearted guy I'd always loved was still there, but he'd lost his spark, he didn't make my heart race or my stomach flip anymore.... it was a sad moment, but a good moment.... I'd finally moved on. 

My main man Rupe-doop

Monday, 18 June 2012

"In the beginning, there once was a little girl with long blonde hair and sparkly blue eyes......

.... who lived in a castle, she met Prince Charming, they were married at sunset, had a beautiful baby girl and lived happily ever after"... only it's really not like that... thank god!

So... a long time ago, whilst catching up with an old friend, they exclaimed "you should write a book about your life - I'd go watch the film!"... well, approaching 30 and with the many hopes and dreams, fears and anxieties it brings with it - I thought now would be a good time to start! Alas it's not exactly a tale of "The Ugly Duckling", "Cinderella" or even "She's All That"... nope, this one's a little more like real life, but it's never dull! 

I won't bore you with the past... afterall - "it's called the past because it's passed"... but I'll get you up to date with the present! I work full time in a job I actually don't mind - it's no career, but it pays the bills and makes life a little easier to live. I'm studying towards a degree in Environmental Sciences which should be finished within the next 4 years (I know, it's a long blooming time!) - but it will all be worth it as am hoping to pursue a career with my gorgeous spotted kitties.  I have my own house, complete with a spangly new range cooker (oh yes, something tells me the cooker will feature fairly often!) and new garden (c/o me mum!)!  I live with the most important man in my life - Rupes - or more formally Rupert.  He's named after Rupert Everett - tall, dark, handsome and oh so very gay! He has the most beautiful face, a fantastic personality, four mahoosive paws and a very long tail... and is the best company a girl could ever ask for!  

An actual human male doesn't feature currently (and no, the drunken ex turning up on my doorstep when he's rolled into town doesn't count - or will he ever for that matter!)... not that I'm too concerned, I'm a great believer in "If it's meant to be"... don't get me wrong it's not that I'm lazy - maybe a tad shy, I still notice the pretty ones, the arrogant ones, the interesting ones, the "nice" ones.... but you can spend your whole life searching only to find yourself alone or missing the one person that had been right there, right under your nose, your whole life.

But to be honest, lifes been pretty hectic - if Johnny Depp had fallen over in front of me, I may have not even noticed recently! On top of a full time job and studies, I'm also a volunteer at the London 2012 Olympics, as an NOC Assistant to the Australian team.  There's been lots of training, lots of new friends, lots of driving spangly new beemers around Central London and lots of knitteds ( i admit, I don't really get the knitteds.!), but with just under 3 weeks to go before I start, I have to admit the nerves have definitely set in! 

So that's me, myself and I... :)      

"To those who pursue a career, there will be two very important cats - the one that inspires you to make a difference, and the one that you will love forever"