"Job well done, standing ovation....

.... yeah you got what you wanted, I guess you won."

It's been a long while since I posted, and in all honesty, it's kind of  a good thing as I tend to turn here when things aren't great.  Today, I lost a lot of friends, well at least I think I did, maybe I just discovered what I'd known all along... they were never friends at all.  

I've always been proud of my instinctive nature with people, I could sniff out poison from a thousand paces, and left it well alone; my parents used to laugh at the way I cherry picked only the very best people to be friends with... always kind-hearted, caring, sharing, innocent types, it was always about quality, not quantity.  However, my senses, like many things, have reduced in function as I've gotten older.  Luckily, those true friends have stuck with me through thick and thin, but the other fly-by-nights have come and gone.  

Today, more flew away, only this time it was my fault... well that's what I was told anyway.  You see, I did the unthinkable... no, I didn't lie, cheat, steal or kill someone, no, I told the truth.  I know, it sounds a little simple, but really that's all I did, and what's more  I thought I was doing it to make things better.  Well, it kinda did... but not for me.  I wrote a well articulated letter explaining my reasons for leaving a particular job, I didn't single anyone out, I wrote about the experiences I had, and how I personally had felt.  I maybe underestimated the reactions of the powers that be, or maybe I underestimated the power of my words, but nevertheless, they took me seriously... perhaps a little too seriously, or perhaps my letter was just the ignition for a gas already flowing.  To put a long story short, someone was suspended, almost lost "everything", but then they got their job back.  I'd be pretty pissed if I was that person.  But it seems, the aggression has been directed right at me... no one took into consideration the 3 years of bullying and hypocrisy that I, and many others have experienced, no one took into consideration that lowly little me could actually have such a phenomenal effect on someone else, just from telling the truth.  So how very dare I.  

So that's the short of it, I lost my so called friends, for telling the truth.  Now they are more united than ever, they no longer pick at the seams of a failing office, instead they're pulling together as a team and fending off their critics.... just like they did in the beginning.  So, yes, I got what I wanted, I guess I won. 

 

Happiness is....

... whatever you make it...

I'm not going to lie, the last week has been pretty tough one way or another, but in another way it's helped me look for the positive - after all every cloud has a silver lining right?  So just for a change I thought I'd write a post about the little things, and the big ones, that have turned my frown upside down...

(1) Snuggles with Rupes

(2) My mummy 

(2) Fwriends.... yes, spelt in the most childish way possible! 
Without them, this last couple of week's would have been unbearable... 

(3) Early morning trips to Topsham and Darts Farm!!
Quiet roads, beautiful views and an overall feeling of calm...

(4) Pampering and fodder on a rainy Saturday
Wiv me bessie... now have bootiful feet and a happy feeling in my tummy!

(5) Finding lush new footwear to bring out my inner child

(6) Brie and caramellised onions baked in the oven
Needs no further explanation....

(7) Chuckling away at sat nav's pronounciation of Globefield as "Globbyfield"... teehee!! 
Oh how I laughed.... good job it was 8.15am and no one was around or I'd been posting this from a secure unit at Wonford House!

(8) Getting soaked in the rain then getting home and changing into me snuggly warm jimjams.....

(9) Ice cool mixed berry cider whilst soaking in a hot bath

(10) Having a boogy round the living room to nuuuu tunes... which assists in wearing off the brie, caramellised onions and cider!

(11) Thank you cards from my niece and nephew..

(12) Fresh air

(13) Unlucky for some..... me, myself and I.... :-)

Find the fear...

... and do it anyway!

Ok, so it's been a looooong time since I last posted, but life switched on to fast forward!  The last couple of years have been a learning curve, in more ways than one.  I became quite contemplative during my time at the Olympics, I became more aware how I can easily be taken advantage of and how utterly stuck I felt back in the reality of my life - and sadly with that came the overwhelming darkness that so often engulfs my vulnerability.  Thankfully though, I secured a new role in January 2013 which allowed me to stretch my wings, and although it didn't come without its challenges, it has been worth it.

Fear has been the main theme of the last few years though.  The fear of moving to a new role, the fear of being no good, the fear of letting people down, the fear of people talking behind my back, the fear of meeting new people, the fear of them not liking me.... the list goes on!  And as daft, ridiculous and self centered as these fears may seem - they were, and are all too real. But with the fear, comes a point when it has come and gone - and you're still standing unscathed, and possibly stronger and more confident than before!  It's not that I don't care, but gaining a perspective on who's views I actually want and don't want has become more important than the views themselves.

My degree has added to the 'fear' as well... and a recent field trip further highlighted how illogical my fears can be.  I worried about what to wear, what to pack, how much to pack, what if I packed too much and people laughed, what if I forgot something, could I manage the physical requirements, would I understand the course content... and so on... the list is almost hilarious!  Of course all these things were the least of my worries!  The location was stunning, the people fantastic, the course thoroughly interesting, packing spot on, the food wonderful.... so what went wrong??  No phone signal or wifi.... I know, I know, first world troubles!  I was sat in my room trying to log on and could feel this absurd anxiety bubbling up as my laptop pinged with "no connections found"!!  I lay in bed, exhasted by the adventures of the first day and for the first time I actually spent time thinking - I don't mean that thing you do when you're supposed to be working, or those random silly things that you look up on Google or the decisions about what to wear, eat or drink, whether to opt for a shower or bath.... I mean the real stuff!  I thought about why I panicked when I couldn't access the outside world, I thought about what I wanted in life, I thought about the people I hold most dear - and for the first time, it didn't scare me.  I was really chuffed about how life had turned out, even with all the bad stuff!  Don't get me wrong, the fear is always there, but sod it, I'm gonna face it head on from now on - because I know that on 'tother side is pretty great actually! :)