"Job well done, standing ovation....

.... yeah you got what you wanted, I guess you won."

It's been a long while since I posted, and in all honesty, it's kind of  a good thing as I tend to turn here when things aren't great.  Today, I lost a lot of friends, well at least I think I did, maybe I just discovered what I'd known all along... they were never friends at all.  

I've always been proud of my instinctive nature with people, I could sniff out poison from a thousand paces, and left it well alone; my parents used to laugh at the way I cherry picked only the very best people to be friends with... always kind-hearted, caring, sharing, innocent types, it was always about quality, not quantity.  However, my senses, like many things, have reduced in function as I've gotten older.  Luckily, those true friends have stuck with me through thick and thin, but the other fly-by-nights have come and gone.  

Today, more flew away, only this time it was my fault... well that's what I was told anyway.  You see, I did the unthinkable... no, I didn't lie, cheat, steal or kill someone, no, I told the truth.  I know, it sounds a little simple, but really that's all I did, and what's more  I thought I was doing it to make things better.  Well, it kinda did... but not for me.  I wrote a well articulated letter explaining my reasons for leaving a particular job, I didn't single anyone out, I wrote about the experiences I had, and how I personally had felt.  I maybe underestimated the reactions of the powers that be, or maybe I underestimated the power of my words, but nevertheless, they took me seriously... perhaps a little too seriously, or perhaps my letter was just the ignition for a gas already flowing.  To put a long story short, someone was suspended, almost lost "everything", but then they got their job back.  I'd be pretty pissed if I was that person.  But it seems, the aggression has been directed right at me... no one took into consideration the 3 years of bullying and hypocrisy that I, and many others have experienced, no one took into consideration that lowly little me could actually have such a phenomenal effect on someone else, just from telling the truth.  So how very dare I.  

So that's the short of it, I lost my so called friends, for telling the truth.  Now they are more united than ever, they no longer pick at the seams of a failing office, instead they're pulling together as a team and fending off their critics.... just like they did in the beginning.  So, yes, I got what I wanted, I guess I won. 

 

Happiness is....

... whatever you make it...

I'm not going to lie, the last week has been pretty tough one way or another, but in another way it's helped me look for the positive - after all every cloud has a silver lining right?  So just for a change I thought I'd write a post about the little things, and the big ones, that have turned my frown upside down...

(1) Snuggles with Rupes

(2) My mummy 

(2) Fwriends.... yes, spelt in the most childish way possible! 
Without them, this last couple of week's would have been unbearable... 

(3) Early morning trips to Topsham and Darts Farm!!
Quiet roads, beautiful views and an overall feeling of calm...

(4) Pampering and fodder on a rainy Saturday
Wiv me bessie... now have bootiful feet and a happy feeling in my tummy!

(5) Finding lush new footwear to bring out my inner child

(6) Brie and caramellised onions baked in the oven
Needs no further explanation....

(7) Chuckling away at sat nav's pronounciation of Globefield as "Globbyfield"... teehee!! 
Oh how I laughed.... good job it was 8.15am and no one was around or I'd been posting this from a secure unit at Wonford House!

(8) Getting soaked in the rain then getting home and changing into me snuggly warm jimjams.....

(9) Ice cool mixed berry cider whilst soaking in a hot bath

(10) Having a boogy round the living room to nuuuu tunes... which assists in wearing off the brie, caramellised onions and cider!

(11) Thank you cards from my niece and nephew..

(12) Fresh air

(13) Unlucky for some..... me, myself and I.... :-)

Find the fear...

... and do it anyway!

Ok, so it's been a looooong time since I last posted, but life switched on to fast forward!  The last couple of years have been a learning curve, in more ways than one.  I became quite contemplative during my time at the Olympics, I became more aware how I can easily be taken advantage of and how utterly stuck I felt back in the reality of my life - and sadly with that came the overwhelming darkness that so often engulfs my vulnerability.  Thankfully though, I secured a new role in January 2013 which allowed me to stretch my wings, and although it didn't come without its challenges, it has been worth it.

Fear has been the main theme of the last few years though.  The fear of moving to a new role, the fear of being no good, the fear of letting people down, the fear of people talking behind my back, the fear of meeting new people, the fear of them not liking me.... the list goes on!  And as daft, ridiculous and self centered as these fears may seem - they were, and are all too real. But with the fear, comes a point when it has come and gone - and you're still standing unscathed, and possibly stronger and more confident than before!  It's not that I don't care, but gaining a perspective on who's views I actually want and don't want has become more important than the views themselves.

My degree has added to the 'fear' as well... and a recent field trip further highlighted how illogical my fears can be.  I worried about what to wear, what to pack, how much to pack, what if I packed too much and people laughed, what if I forgot something, could I manage the physical requirements, would I understand the course content... and so on... the list is almost hilarious!  Of course all these things were the least of my worries!  The location was stunning, the people fantastic, the course thoroughly interesting, packing spot on, the food wonderful.... so what went wrong??  No phone signal or wifi.... I know, I know, first world troubles!  I was sat in my room trying to log on and could feel this absurd anxiety bubbling up as my laptop pinged with "no connections found"!!  I lay in bed, exhasted by the adventures of the first day and for the first time I actually spent time thinking - I don't mean that thing you do when you're supposed to be working, or those random silly things that you look up on Google or the decisions about what to wear, eat or drink, whether to opt for a shower or bath.... I mean the real stuff!  I thought about why I panicked when I couldn't access the outside world, I thought about what I wanted in life, I thought about the people I hold most dear - and for the first time, it didn't scare me.  I was really chuffed about how life had turned out, even with all the bad stuff!  Don't get me wrong, the fear is always there, but sod it, I'm gonna face it head on from now on - because I know that on 'tother side is pretty great actually! :)  

Patience is a virtue...

... and sadly it's one that I lack!  I'm currently sat at the dining room table at my brother's house whilst he continues to moan about each and every subject known to man... or possibly just to him!  You see my brother could be seen to have everything... a lovely wife, 2 great kids (most of the time!), a nice plush house, a good job, a fairly good social network, and yet still he appears to believe he has the worst life ever!  Every waking moment of his life is taken up with moaning... everyone is wrong, everyone is rubbish, no one is as good or as busy as he is, and my favourite of all "I have kids, don't you know".... YES I KNOW YOU TELL ME EVERY BLOODY DAY!!  But for all his moaning, I do think deep down that he's actually pretty content... just moaning!  He does live in London afterall, which is also full of moaners... the Olympics being the best thing to ever happen to them, as it gives them the perfect excuse to moan!  

Having been born and brought up in West London, I too have honed the "moaner" technique, but it is since coming here to "live" again, that I've realised how very irritating it really can be!  I mean, yes, we all like to have a moan now and again... I'm doing it now, but does it really improve your quality of life to moan in such excess! 

Well, anyway, I'm only here until 15th August and my day job is keeping me pretty busy.... did I mention that I'm an NOC Assistant for the Australian Olympic Team?? Oh yes, that's right, just the once... 

It was a fairly emotional week, last week, getting everything tied up before I went on leave, catching up with friends for dinners and drinks etc, then my lovely work peeps surprised me with millions of balloons and Olympic rings all over and around my desk on Friday - which helped wash away some of the nerves and the excitement then began!!  

I arrived in London on Sunday evening, after battling my way through the weather and diversions on to four different motorways and over 250 miles!  Had a lovely surprise to find I had my own room (my niece has been relocated to her mum and dad's room) and even space to hang my clothes... yay!! You may think that's a little odd, but I'm crashing at my brother's for 5 and a half weeks whilst I work at the Games.  I was so grateful that they let me stay I wasn't too fussed where I slept, and when they said I'd be sharing with my 7 yr old nephew, I figured it would be character building... and besides we have the same taste in music anyway! :)  Being fiercely independant back home, the room has been more appreciated than anything though!

Anyways... back to Olympic matters!  I started on Monday with Rob who is also a Team Coordinator.  We had a long 5 hour wait for the Aussie team, who unfortunately left the Village without anyone telling us... it was no big deal, we headed into Covent Garden - still in uniform - to meet the other assistants and catch up with all the goss... returning home at an almost civilised time of 1am... whoops!  Day 2 was Tuesday, where we checked rooms, made sure they were still upright and actually had beds etc as expected... luckily they did!  The remainder of the day was spent on an extremely important task.... School children across Australia were asked to make and create pictures for the athletes of London 2012, which they did, in their MILLIONS!!  We had the super fab job of sorting the pics and putting them up in the athletes bedrooms and decorating the apartments common areas and corridors with the artwork... it was an extremely humbling, and in some cases, disturbing experience!  One little chap of about 7 had drawn a picture of a kangaroo beating up a bear, and blood was pouring from the bear... the caption simply said "Australia Rocks"... the picture is now proudly located in the medical space! :)

 Today was day 3, and the Village was starting to become more familiar and we're really starting to gel as a team.  They're realising that I'm a OCD dictator who doesn't believe in sitting down ever, and I'm realising that we're also here to have fun and that stopping for lunch is soooooo good - plus we get free diet coke and yummy granola bars - uh oh! :) We're being taken out for drinks and dinner with the whole Aussie team tomorrow evening, which I'm really looking forward to!!!  When I say "team" I mean the grafters rather than the athletes, who don't arrive until next week.... and before you ask, yes I have sussed out the yummiest athletes, and yes I know which apartments they'll be staying in! ;) 

Well, as my feet need to be lanced (poor poor feet... nasty nasty blisters) and I need to do my nails ready for tomorrow evening's celebrations, I shall bid you good night and leave you with a few choice piccies!!  xxxxx

Day 1: Celebration Avenue and it's currently empty flagpoles....

Day 1: Eagerly awaiting our call from the Aussie team on Monday evening...

Day 1: My Olympic Rings

Day 2: A slightly soggy view of the Olympic Stadium and Park from the Village

     

Movin' on......

It's a strange term really, as it invariably refers to the motionless act of changing a way of thinking, a change of heart, a time when one part of your life draws to close and another chapter begins.... but you don't physically move anywhere!  My "movin' on" moment came very recently.... my ex came to town.

I cannot find awful, cruel or bitter words to say about him, after all he is responsible for some of the happiest times in my life, but following his recent visit, a relieving sense of calmness overtook me, which I believe is called closure.

You see girls and boys, our relationship had fairytale beginnings.... we had worked together for some time, but my shyness and his fear of me had meant we'd never really spoken.  Then at the Staff Christmas Party our eyes met over a swathe of drunken, sweaty bodies, and we knew, (aha you're seeing the fairytale part, sucking up the Disney of it all?) we knew it was meant to be.  A beautiful romance ensued - well, after someone told me he was in fact 2 years younger than he'd told me, he'd gotten over his crush for the Assistant Restaurant Manager and I'd threaten to break up and of course, I'd recovered from meningitis - yes then the beautiful romance began and all but ended 6 months in.  It was after that, that my past caught up with me, a lifetime of abusive, distrustful male role models had taken their toll and I became obsessive, needy, jealous and generally very ill.  Our relationship turned into an addiction - it was something we needed, rather than wanted - and without him I thought I would die.  The turbulent addiction continued on for 5 long volatile years, until I cracked, booked a 4 month trip to South Africa and decided enough was enough.  He decided that he "couldn't bear to be without me" and so booked flights and a 12 month working visa to New Zealand - yes the obvious choice!? We knew things were done, but never admitted it, we flew away as single people, but didn't admit it to each other.  

His own neediness shone through, and within a month he'd met someone new.  I dabbled, but my trip was about something different, the oh so cliche "finding myself".... and I did, and I liked it.  I found a career that I wanted to pursue, a group of friends who taught me that I wasn't actually half bad on my own, and most of all I found my spotted kitties. 

I returned home to an ice-cold soggy Heathrow with a lighter head but heavy shoulders.  Unconsciously I carried this weight around for a further three and a half years, occasionally meeting up with him during his biannual visits back home.  But *this* time it was different, something clicked.... the handsome, kind-hearted guy I'd always loved was still there, but he'd lost his spark, he didn't make my heart race or my stomach flip anymore.... it was a sad moment, but a good moment.... I'd finally moved on. 

My main man Rupe-doop

"In the beginning, there once was a little girl with long blonde hair and sparkly blue eyes......

.... who lived in a castle, she met Prince Charming, they were married at sunset, had a beautiful baby girl and lived happily ever after"... only it's really not like that... thank god!

So... a long time ago, whilst catching up with an old friend, they exclaimed "you should write a book about your life - I'd go watch the film!"... well, approaching 30 and with the many hopes and dreams, fears and anxieties it brings with it - I thought now would be a good time to start! Alas it's not exactly a tale of "The Ugly Duckling", "Cinderella" or even "She's All That"... nope, this one's a little more like real life, but it's never dull! 

I won't bore you with the past... afterall - "it's called the past because it's passed"... but I'll get you up to date with the present! I work full time in a job I actually don't mind - it's no career, but it pays the bills and makes life a little easier to live. I'm studying towards a degree in Environmental Sciences which should be finished within the next 4 years (I know, it's a long blooming time!) - but it will all be worth it as am hoping to pursue a career with my gorgeous spotted kitties.  I have my own house, complete with a spangly new range cooker (oh yes, something tells me the cooker will feature fairly often!) and new garden (c/o me mum!)!  I live with the most important man in my life - Rupes - or more formally Rupert.  He's named after Rupert Everett - tall, dark, handsome and oh so very gay! He has the most beautiful face, a fantastic personality, four mahoosive paws and a very long tail... and is the best company a girl could ever ask for!  

An actual human male doesn't feature currently (and no, the drunken ex turning up on my doorstep when he's rolled into town doesn't count - or will he ever for that matter!)... not that I'm too concerned, I'm a great believer in "If it's meant to be"... don't get me wrong it's not that I'm lazy - maybe a tad shy, I still notice the pretty ones, the arrogant ones, the interesting ones, the "nice" ones.... but you can spend your whole life searching only to find yourself alone or missing the one person that had been right there, right under your nose, your whole life.

But to be honest, lifes been pretty hectic - if Johnny Depp had fallen over in front of me, I may have not even noticed recently! On top of a full time job and studies, I'm also a volunteer at the London 2012 Olympics, as an NOC Assistant to the Australian team.  There's been lots of training, lots of new friends, lots of driving spangly new beemers around Central London and lots of knitteds ( i admit, I don't really get the knitteds.!), but with just under 3 weeks to go before I start, I have to admit the nerves have definitely set in! 

So that's me, myself and I... :)      

"To those who pursue a career, there will be two very important cats - the one that inspires you to make a difference, and the one that you will love forever"